Parenting Humor

This isn't actually a game, but it is fun to read!

A Mother's Patience

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (if Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

The Evolution of Parenthood

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

Third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

First baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

Second baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

Third baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth

First baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

Second baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

Third baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

First baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

Second baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

Third baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

First baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

Second baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

Third baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

First baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

Second baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

Third baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

First baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

Second baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

Third baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

Second baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

Third baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Children's Property Laws

• If I like it, it's mine.
• If it's in my hand, it's mine.
• If I can take it from you, it's mine.
• If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
• If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
• If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
• If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
• If I think it's mine, it's mine.
• If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
• If it's broken, it's yours.

Top 17 Fatal Things to Say to your Pregnant Partner

17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk ?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Partner Is Pregnant...

"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."

Phrases for Suman to Practice

• Don't ask me, ask your mother.
• You didn't beat me. I let you win.
• Don't worry. It's only blood.
• I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
• Who said life was supposed to be fair?
• Do you think I am made of money?
• We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are. No, we're not there yet.
• When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
• As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
• I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why.
• So you think you're smart, do you?
• What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
• You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.
• This is your last warning.
• I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
• What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
• I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!
• What part of NO don't you understand?
• I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody else's father!
• Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
• If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
• Don't make me stop this car!

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